You know that feeling when there’s so much swirling around in your brain that you’re not sure what to think of next, what to do about what you just thought of, what to think of what you thought about the thing you don’t want to think about? Yeah, you know what I mean. I am grateful that I have outlets. I have my Totems, of course. I have an incredible therapist who gets my “crazy” and doesn’t judge me for it. I have three beautiful boys who keep me sane, even in those moments I am about to lose my shit. I have great friends who help distract when necessary. I also have my cooking and my poetry. Today, I will share both with you! Clearly my head is filled with all kinds of crap because by 9am yesterday morning I had concocted these: Chocolate-chip Banana Streusel Muffins. Don’t ask for the recipe because it doesn’t exist. There is a basic muffin recipe of course, but I messed with it, because I can’t leave well enough alone!
They were a hit with two out of three boys. The third was sadly, but sweetly consumed by guilt, and couldn’t enjoy the muffins because he thought he “made” me make them after he wished he could have a muffin for breakfast. Here I am thinking “Voila! Muffins you get!” Never thought he would have guilt, but the good news, is that this morning the muffins were awesome because they were already made! By 6:30 last night, I was up to my neck in this: Grandma’s Chicken Soup!
All the boys were in heaven, one even exclaiming it was “the best soup I ever tasted!” I’m sure it had to do with the Udon noodles I used that allowed for super slurping! Again, no recipe, just a lifetime of soup and slurping. I admit that the poem I am going to share was written a while ago, and it’s not usually something I usually expose, but Totem Tamers is about helping, and somehow, me opening up helps me, and I can only hope it helps you.
My mind won’t let me stop the think
I spin as though it were the drink
Where is the generator of all these thoughts
if only I could harness, if only it could be caught
What goes on inside my brain
sometimes it feels like a swirly drain,
but clogged at the bottom with nowhere to go
the thinks keep coming in consistent flow
Sometimes when writing a poem such as this
the thinks take the cue and I am almost in bliss
but the fear that the words will no longer rhyme
is punishment enough for a meaningless crime
when we focus on something the thinks can’t control
it is then we feel power, we feel almost whole
yet again come the trembles as though the end is near
that the words will not speak if there’s no one to hear
it may be the chance we are all meant to take
to give freedom to the thinks we don’t want to make
to give voice to the fears, the dreams and ambition
to hope that for once, someone will listen
so I say to you thinks, as you torture me now
you also inspire and this is just how
for ten minutes or so, maybe less, maybe more
I can sit here crafting, re-writing the score
and all of that time I can keep you at bay
because now i’m the one with something to say.
All the thinks in the world may not let me be,
but without them in truth, we can never be free.
To learn more about Totem Tamers, please visit our site at www.totemtamers.com.